A few years ago, I went through a significant deconstruction of my faith in God. I questioned everything, including the existence of God, that there was even a person named Jesus, and chalked up my spiritual experiences to psychological manipulation.
Reader: Where is this going Tim?
Me: Hang in there, I promise I’ll get to the music.
Growing up an Evangelical Christian, I held conservative views of marriage and sexual identity. Things started to change for me when I began interacting with the disability community, some of whom expressed that they were an “autistic queer” or “transgender disabled person.”
When a person is autistic, it is from birth (it is how you are wired). In the same way, I began to see that sexual identity was something that you are born with and I knew how I thought about same sex relationships and marriage had to change.
Since then, my faith remains but it looks much different; a more inclusive one. How could I be promoting inclusion for people with disabilities and not do the same for people of different faiths or sexualities? Now I strive for finding the common ground between the people around me even if they have a different backgrounds. This includes sexual identity and disability.
Why ‘Now, Not Yet’ is my favorite album of the year.
The top of my musical heap is ‘Now, Not Yet’ by half•alive. The album by itself is masterful, and there is not a bad song among the 11 recordings (not including ‘the notion’). What pushed it to the top for me was their authentic exploration of their belief in God without it coming across as preachy or judgmental. It is clear that the lyricist (Josh Taylor) is on the other side of a deconstruction of his own faith, which made this album so relatable for me.
Not only is ‘Now, Not Yet’ surprisingly rich aurally and musically, but it delivers so much lyrical depth that it take many listens to digest.
I was happily listening to the album for the fourth or fifth time when I actually heard the lyrics of ‘creature‘.
Look inside of me and see that I am not afraid
To walk inside the void like a kid inside a cave
Discovering the patterns of my soul and where it’s placed
I’ve been mapping many caverns but it still feels like a maze
I know I’m made of clay that’s worn
Blighted by imperfect form
But I will trust the artist molding me
I am creation, both haunted and holy
Made in glory
Even the depths of the night cannot blind me
When You guide me
Creature only
For those of you who have ever questioned your faith, it can be an incredible isolating experience. For me it wasn’t even because of lack of support. My friends and family were supportive and were a great sounding board. I felt ashamed that my doubt had taken me to a place where I felt lost, adrift in an ocean of skepticism.
Here are the lyrics for ‘still feel‘.
When I’m furthest from myself (Far away)
Feeling closer to the stars (Outer space)
I’ve been invaded by the dark (Can’t escape)
Trying to recognize myself when I feel I’ve been replaced
When I’m furthest from myself (Far away)
Feeling closer to the stars (Outer space)
I’ve been invaded by the dark (Can’t escape)
Trying to recognize myself when I feel I’ve been replaced
I can feel a kick down in my soul
And it’s pulling me back to earth to let me know
I am not a slave, can’t be contained
So pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave
‘Cause
I still feel alive
When it is hopeless, I start to notice
And I still feel alive
Falling forward, back into orbit
I’m with the Pop Song Professor on this one, ‘Now, Not Yet’ belongs on your top albums of 2019 list.
Here is the rest of my list for 2019.
Check out the list and let me know what you think. Scroll to the bottom to follow my Spotify playlist.
If you are interested in what my 2018 list looks like, here you go.
Vampire Weekend – Father of the Bride
Pedro The Lion – Phoenix
Sharon Van Etten – Remind Me Tomorrow
Better Oblivion Community Center – Self-Titled
The Japanese House – Good At Falling
CHAI – PUNK
Andrew Bird – My Finest Work Yet
Michael Kiwanuka – KIWANUKA
PUP – Morbid Stuff
Honorable Mentions
JR JR – Invocations / Conversations
Jonas Brothers – Happiness Begins
Karen O / Danger Mouse – Lux Prima
The National – I Am Easy to Find
Angel Olson – All Mirrors
Jenny Lewis – On The Line
Billie Eilish – WHEN WE FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?
Sure Sure – What’s It Like?
Darlingside – Look Up & Fly Away
Follow the playlist.
Thanks for your time and attention.